Losing it in Utah now.

I lost 2 pounds at the last weigh-in, hooray! And when I put the new weight into my WW, I lost a point as well! So now I'm 21 points instead of 22 and I celebrated with a bit of, uh, binging. I'm not sure what went wrong in my head. I just clicked and decided to eat.

I'll be much better today. I promise.


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Ugh. Just ugh.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty dang blue in the evening so I went to town. Disregarded all points and ate like my heart was broken, which it WASN'T. And I'm not an emotional eater because that crap doesn't work on me. But heck, there was food there and why not? By the way, lower-fat chips still don't do a thing if you eat a lot of them. Just food for thought.

Today I'm being very good. At least, as good as I can be without recording my points, oh for shame on me.

I'm going to do better, really! :(

I have to admit that today was kind of a toss-away day. Once mom and I got home, we went to town with Sandies, spaghetti, and PB M&Ms. But at least we both had good news. Despite gaining 5 pounds of cast, mom only gained 2 pounds according to the WW scale so she lost 3. And obvious, I lost 2 pounds myself. I am quite proud of myself.

This week I plan on continuing to journal. :) Online or on the paper, it's good to have it around. I am going to try something new, as well. I am going to plan what I will eat and do my very best to stick to it.

I hope this works out, it would be nice if it did. :)

I should also stop watching Food Network at night. *coff*

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So here it is, the day before weigh-in. Have I learned control in 7 days? No. I had two brownies (5 points a piece) just today to go with my 6" Black Forest Ham Sub sammich from Subway.

I guess there isn't much one can expect after a mere 7 days. However, here is a small list of things I do know about me:

- I know that I get 'hungry' when I am tired or bored. Particularly at work, I tend to just eat and eat when it's late.

- Sometimes I just want a *taste* of something. The best way to deal with this is tea. I love Rooibos but Zhena's Gypsy Teas has a little something more: Luminous Lemon which has a bit of a chamomile aftertaste and really a beautiful, well-rounded tea. And perfect for the warmer weather! I also recommend the Red Lavendar, the Pumpkin Spice, and the Caramel Apple, the latter two being more appropriate for when the cold chill of fall comes to change the leaves their different colors.

- I do dislike running. I love to walk much better even if it takes longer. I guess I'll just never be a marathoner but I'm okay with that. Really. I'll just exercise with videos. Much better, less dust in the eyes and up the nose and in the mouth. Less worry about it being too hot or cold. And no public humiliation.

We'll see what the damage is tomorrow!

Though my Kidneyversary was Wednesday, I celebrated yesterday. I had some good friends over for New Moon with Rifftrax and to celebrate, they brought cupcakes. I had one Team Edward cupcake (yellow confetti cake with white icing that had been generously coated in sprinkles and white sugar for that "sparkle" effect) and two Team Jacob cupcakes (brown, without icing or "topless" and with some filling in the middle for that "surprise inside"). I shouldn't have, I really shouldn't but, well, when a friend brings goodies, I can't say no.

So once again I went over points. Good thing I walk every day! XD

Today I overate by 7 points. I got hungry, broke into the Bliss chocolates and just didn't stop.

*sigh* I have a problem with control, clearly. So how do I fix it?

Mom and I joined Weight Watchers again. It's costly at $40 a month but it was so effective the last time I did it, more effective than anything I've used before that I figure I might as well get back on the wagon.

My ideal is to lose 2 pounds a week consistently. I doubt that will happen but I can always give it my best shot. :)

So, I started out at the 6pm meeting at 162.8 pounds. This is about 2 pounds heavier than I was this morning but since it was 6pm and I was wearing my street clothes and I...*ahem* bulked up a little (I was starving!), I am perfectly fine with this.

The meeting was certainly different from the one in Lawrence. There were a few things that bugged me a little:

1 - It does not take 4 laps around a track to burn off ONE Peanut M&M. 5 PB M&Ms (my favorite!) is one point. 15 minutes of walking is one point. To burn off one Peanut M&M you probably need to walk up the stairs of your home or apartment. But I know the point she was trying to make. Junk food does take up a lot of calories or points and when you know how much effort you expend in exercise, you are motivated to be more conservative with what you eat.

2 - Yes. You CAN lose weight without having to exercise. It's not a sin to avoid exercise and lose weight without bothering to take a single step outside. But realize that muscle burns calories even while at rest and a lot more while moving than fat which burns nothing at all. But I've seen plenty of thin girls. No fat and very little muscle, but thin as a rail. It's not impossible. HOWEVER! It will be harder to keep that weight off because you have nothing but your diet to fall back on if you gain.

That was a few of the things that came up. But while at the meeting, I also realized that I have slipped a lot and it's so vital that I actually journal my food. I have to be on top of my food. I can eat whatever but I have GOT to keep track. And being accountable will help me keep in control.

On December 5, 2009, I ran my first 5k. I ran it with a friend and she did more walking than I was intending and the two of us came in at around 45 minutes. Next time I run one (and I do intend to run one), I want to run it straight. No walking AT ALL. So I have been working up to it. I can run 10 minutes straight now, which is about 3/4 a mile. I have been working on making it a habit now to do it. Some days are harder than others but even when I don't feel like running, I tell myself "Well, how hard would it be to just walk?" and I get on the treadmill and 90% of the time, I get moving a little faster and a little faster and soon I'm running. :) It's all a mental thing.

Speaking of mental, I love this article:
Real Foods Take On Fake Fake Foods. I am not a fan of "healthier" substitutes. I am a fan of REAL foods. Butter instead of margarine. Sugar instead of Sweet'n'Low or whatever the heck is out there. It isn't the "real foods" that are killing you, it's eating them in excess and in bad proportions to healthy foods like fruit and vegetables.

By the way...

154.2 lbs. Not bad.

Before I go too much farther, I would like everyone to see the very first post from my journey. Starting Over. Go on, I'll wait.

Back? Pretty grim, I should say. All that fat on my waist. I was incredibly pear shaped. My back hurt when I slept. My size 16 jeans were tight. I shied away from the mirror. And I looked so old.

I recently set up my camera to take photographs and after quite a few, I finally got a picture that was satisfactory. I didn't smile for the camera because I really don't know how to yet. That will come with practice.



I'm wearing size 12 and they're barely staying on. My face has slimmed down, I can run without staying winded for long, my back is only sore because I upped my work-out weights and it went away quickly. I'm sleeping better, I'm doing better and I hope to keep progressing. :)

I had all sorts of goodies. Sis gave mom and me a little bag of cheesecake Hershey Kisses to share. Thanks, love.

I had half of the last Utah orange truffle.

I had quite a few M&Ms.

Mom and I split a 4-pack of chocolate covered strawberries.

And I ate a whole caramel almond chocolate covered apple. *sigh*

And tomorrow will be better. I will behave myself like a proper person who does not gorge on chocolate covered fruit. But today was fun and I made memories and the food was very good. Can't blame me for that.

What are you loving about the process right now?

Roni asked this the other day and I have to admit that I do struggle to find what I love about running. It's hard. I sweat like my mother, I get so damp, I have to breathe hard and sometimes I even get a painful stitch in the side (though I use Coach Jenny's suggestions and I exhale when my foot hits the treadmill opposite to the stitch and it goes away within about thirty seconds). It's hard, it's exhausting...and a TOTAL HIGH.

I am getting reacquainted with how absolutely delicious I feel after I run. I want to push myself to run fast but I realize that how fast I go doesn't matter. What matters is that I move! And with the help of Podrunner Intervals, I am moving better, farther, and even faster.

And I am losing weight! I feel good, I am getting a 'star' every day, I have only skipped one or two days because though I exercise every day, I don't get all the exercise I need.

I do struggle with journaling, though, to be honest. I don't think I have actually written down a full day of food for a week. I also had to skip my WW meeting this Tuesday due to a prior engagement and honestly, Tuesday evenings are JUST not my best times.

BUT! I am going to go to the other meeting center I went to before (and received a bad impression) on Saturday morning. I do hope that I have done well enough for all the exercise I put in and made up for going to Wingers last night (icky food, not going again).

You know, though, I'm loving the process. I am taking it a step at a time and I'm rejoicing in my transformation. :)

So after a week of getting back into running again and I mean, I was starting from step ONE, I am feeling the hope again. Monday and Tuesday were the worst days in terms of muscle aches. And man, when my Aunt Sally grabbed my leg (totally friendly greeting), I nearly jumped through the roof! But Wednesday was better. I took a hot bath after I cooled down from the run and my legs were feeling better. And Friday, no pain at all! I'm not losing much weight (and yes, I so gained from the hotel, yikes) because the muscle is coming back, but I think that once my body gets into it, I'll start losing again, answering my challenge of 158 pounds by the end of this month.

I was thinking of some January challenges though. Maybe begin giving up chocolate. it would be incredibly hard. It would be something I would have to start doing hour by hour. It would have to see me through Valentine's. But I hear that one does begin to stop craving it, stop missing it.

Could I get some suggestions on how to do it? Because if I can cut out the chocolate, that would really cut down on a whole lot of empty calories that I tend to sprinkle into my day.

I have a tentative relationship with my scale. Right now, I try to keep myself from weighing myself MORE than every other day. I fret over that number a lot when I really don't need to. It's just a number.

I think I need a different scale. One that doesn't give me numbers but encouragement and praise. One like the one over on Roni’s Weight Loss Blog. So I'm signing up in hopes of getting a free one. I don't *need* it, I have actual self control but dang, this thing sounded adorable. So here's my entry.

I entered the Mary Lou's Weigh Platform Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

I hope I get one. If only I knew who Mary Lou was.

So, it's the perfect day for setting some goals, right? So here are mine:

1. Get down to 158 pounds again by December 30.
2. Start running again*.
3. Get into the habit of journaling with WW.

* Okay, I woke up this morning and I immediately thought "There is no way I am going out there to run. It is cold, I'm not used to the altitude and it's warm in my bed." But strangely enough, I woke up in time TO run and couldn't go back to sleep. Oh well, I'd just get up, maybe walk the dog, eat some breakfast. But as soon as I got out of my room and heading for the stairs I realized that WOW, I had some ENERGY! And suddenly I thought "Oh well, it's not like it'll take long." I shoved on my workout clothes, put on my large Westbrook Martial Arts Academy sweatshirt and set my iPod for Podrunner Intervals: First Day to 5k Week 1. Yes, starting from scratch.

But you know, I don't think I could have gone past that. I had a struggle just running in 60 second intervals! But it felt good to run and yes, it was cold but I warmed up. And everything was so tired after, but there was that buzz, the adrenaline, and that feeling that I didn't just improve my body, but I strengthened my spirit.

If I can keep this up regularly, I will be ready for a 5k in 10 weeks. So...mid February. I might sign up for a run then and see if I can't get my friend Kristy involved too. She's a triathlon babe, it'd be fun to run with her. :D

And who knows. I might have lost a little more weight by then.

It is blustery near my new home. Oh yes. But I love it. I can see the windmills from here and I've begun walking again. Daisy comes and we go 1.4 miles twice a day. I'm still not running yet because when you've left off something like that for so long, you feel it. Besides, I am all kinds of sore from all the moving. Living in a basement will give you a workout! As will putting IKEA bookshelves together, surprisingly enough. Along with a few slivers.

And I haven't been journaling my WW either. *sigh* I know, I'm bad. Okay, I'm over it now. I'll start doing better from now on but I've gotta say, upheaval can throw you off in the worst way.

But the best way to do it is to realize that yeah, you'll gain some weight and yeah, that sucks but seriously, I've lost 34 pounds already and though I've gained some back, I can still lose it. Losing weight has gained me that perspective, it's amazing. It's POSSIBLE. It's a matter of hard work and perseverance and CONSTANT VIGILANCE but it's still possible.

Now to get back up on the wagon. Y'all are with me, right? I need a little support! And Thanksgiving right around the corner, oy.

I entered the Gracie Gear Giveaway!

Check out Roni’s Weight Loss Blog for more information.

It has a pocket! For keys and iPods and phones! I want one, preshuss!

I should also mention that I had a bad WW meeting experience. Oh yes, they happen.

It had been two weeks since I had actually been in to go to WW. I thought "Well, I've been traveling and I'm sure I've gained but I need to see where I was so I could restart my weight loss. So I took my WW membership card and headed out to Provo. It took some finding, but I found it and headed in.

Well, first thing I noticed is that the Provo meeting area does not have a computer. I know that the computers are somewhat new, Lawrence didn't have one until last January or so and we all switched from paper to cards. I didn't think much of it until I handed in my card and got The Stink-Eye from the two ladies behind the counter.

"Your card is expired as of three days ago," the woman intoned.

"Well, the new one is in the mail somewhere but I'm not sure where since I just moved from Kansas," I said. "But I'm still a paying member."

"I'll look into it," the woman said, clearly suspecting me of trying to fraudulently lose weight, the nerve. And so they had me stand there for five minutes and I was already nervous because I was absolutely certain I had gained weight. You don't eat cinnamon buns and restaurant food for two weeks without severe consequences, y'know. And the entire time, I was getting nasty looks from the secretaries and the WW leader. At least, until I shifted and my Dragon Keychain flashed out and said hello (mine is gold with blue eyes).

"Is that a dragon?" the leader asked, clearly an exuberant dracophile.

"Yes, I got it when I lost 20 pounds," I said, holding out. Poor thing has been through the wash so the nose is crooked and the horns hide behind its head, but it is still somewhat recognizable.

"That's so cool!" the leader said. That broke the ice enough that the secretary managed to ever-so-graciously allow me to attend the WW meeting.

"But just this once," she said as she stamped my pamphlet. That's right, because I'm never coming back, dracophiles not withstanding. >:(

But I did lose 0.4 pounds, which is about 7.8 pounds LESS than I thought I was going to be when I stepped up on the scale. Heh. I don't mind that at all.

Hopefully I can find a friendlier WW meeting, though. *sigh* Otherwise I'm skipping the meetings from now on.

I went with mom to Macy's today to get a few more cold-weather clothes. My old long-sleeved, warm clothes were all far too big for me so I had to donate them all to Goodwill. But for all the messages my clothes were sending me, my bra size has not changed. I'm still a 36 DD in this Wacoal bra and I keep wondering, my word, am I going to have huge hooters forever? Have I really not slimmed down at all? And then those negative voices began shouting louder than the fact that I am on the verge of fitting into size 10 Lee jeans, that the jeans that once were so tight on me are now baggy, that I can feel my hips and ribs when I lay down to sleep at night. I thought "I'm still fat. I'm still ugly. All this hard work and I can't see it, I can't tell. Nothing's changed."

Then mom and I went into the petite section of Macy's. I picked out some medium-sized sweaters/long-sleeved shirts, still grousing, though now feeling the glow that I was no longer a Large and went to try them on.

To my surprise, two of the tops were, well, BIG! I was not a medium in these tops, I was a SMALL! Do you know when I was last a SMALL? 8 years ago, when I was literally wasting away because of my dying kidney. Unhealthy weight loss and it came back and the fat brought friends. This time, I'm losing weight with effort, hard work, and refined habits.

I need to stop the negative thinking. I need to realize that when I fall, I can always get back up. And I need to take joy in even the smallest of accomplishments.

I have signed up to stop Fat Talking. Will you?

You know, it's hard getting out of bed and going for a run. The morning is the best time for me to do it because it helps me get that start to the day but I am always so tired and easily defeated in the morning.

And I admitted to my best friend that I was 'stuck'. Not physically but mentally, I am stuck. I don't *think* I can run as far as I can. I don't mentally want to. I'm tired. I'm out of breath. I'm sweating like I'd just taken a dunk in a stinky pond. But then it's over and I'm not wobbly, I'm not very tired out, I'm fine and I can only shake my head. I am a silly goose.

Well, I guess next run I'm going to up the time a bit, put it all together, make myself push a bit longer and harder. And stop being such a goose about things!

I went running but it was a bit soon after my menses so I wound up only being able to run about 13 minutes out of 20 before I had to slow down as my thorax cramped up on both side. Oooof. But I figured it was still moving forward and that's the point of running.

I don't think I'm really cut out to be a runner. This won't stop me, but I don't think I'll win races or anything. I haven't even gone on a 5k run yet, though I intend on signing up for one soon, once I move to Utah. Probably one in the spring.

Anyways, other than the pain around the diaphragm and supporting muscles and subsequent wheezing, I feel pretty dang good. No c/o knee pain, ankle soreness r/t changing weather and air pressure relieved after a little running, no weakness or soreness.

Over and out.

I gained this week. I attribute it to:
1. Not journaling accurately and daily
2. Not exercising regularly.

So it's a small set-back but you know, you have to expect that not everything is going to go smoothly. Every little bit is a slip back. But you just can't let it get you down, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving.

Watching the Olympics was motivational to say the least. I was especially moved by our Olympic female gymnasts. Shawn Johnson had indomitable spirit and I know she must have had moments of absolute heartache and fear, feelings of defeat and pain, but she moved on and look at her, she was phenomenal. And she did it with grace and humility.

It's not easy to run, you know. I couldn't keep up with Week 7 last week and had to let myself walk parts of the run to keep from throwing up or doing serious injury to myself, but that's okay. I am patient, I will keep running and I will do Week 7 over again this week.

Right! Goals!

- Journal accurately and daily this week!
- Ignore that scale! It's not helpful.
- Focus on more Core-based eating! Mom has a huge container of left-over fruit medley from a picnic, that should really help a lot with getting my fruits and veggies in!

How about everyone else? Anyone have some good suggestions or thoughts about weight loss?