Losing it in Utah now.

It's not a yo-yo, it's a bounce. And it's the holidays. And it's hard to keep away from the new candy I keep discovering, like the Andes Cherry Jubilee. That stuff tastes like hot chocolate with a hint of cherry and it's oh-so-good. I could eat so much of it and it was half off at Hy-Vee the day after Christmas and so just before I headed home, I picked up a bag along with half off Ferrero Rocher which I have not broken into yet.

It's not smart for me to hide food, it really isn't. But if I don't hide it, it goes away horrifyingly fast. I should start hoarding good food like vegetables and the like out in the open, like in a bowl in the kitchen. I bet THAT won't go away in a hurry. But it is a good idea.

Now to wrestle with my conscience over the really really really good chocolate.

I took this off the Weight Watchers website because I think you have to actually log in to read their articles. I'm not sure, but either way, I found this to be a very interesting read and have fallen for these lies in the past.

"People may set unrealistic goals or deprive themselves in extreme ways that are very difficult to maintain," says Bethany Teachman, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Virginia. "It's no wonder so many people lose weight initially but then have difficulty keeping the weight off."

Here we address the most common myths that undermine a healthy approach to weight loss—and offer tips to overcome them to achieve success.

1. I need to go on a "diet."
"The whole concept of a 'diet' sets us up to think we will be 'on a diet' then 'off a diet,'" says Teachman. Instead, think of your weight-loss plan as a lifestyle commitment to healthy eating and exercise, for the long haul.

2. I'll get back on track on Monday/after the holidays/when the sun comes out.
There's no day like today. If you slip, just pick up where you left off. Persistence works wonders.

3. All my problems will be solved when I lose weight.
Dropping pounds may leave you feeling healthier and happier, but it won't make you more lovable or turn you into a runway model. Be clear about why you want to lose weight, and set realistic goals. "It's far more motivating to strive toward being fit and energetic than it is to strive toward being a size 2," Teachman says.

4. Fat people don't deserve to eat.
Do you forego the office pizza because you're afraid people will think you shouldn't be eating? Seeing yourself through others' eyes in a harsh, critical way "is a surefire way to blow a weight-loss plan," says psychologist Debra Mandel, PhD, author of Healing the Sensitive Heart (Airleaf Publishing, 2005). Instead, she suggests, it's more effective to focus on developing a more loving relationship with your body. A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine (Winter 1998) found that those who started out accepting their bodies were more than twice as likely to lose weight than those who felt dissatisfied or ashamed.

5. I shouldn't wear a bathing suit (shorts, a tank top) until I've lost all the weight.
Lots of people of all different sizes enjoy sexy clothes. "When you love yourself, you start enjoying life," says Mandel. Break big goals into smaller ones, and reward yourself along the way. Rather than saying, "I need to lose 25 pounds," say, "I'll buy a new swimsuit, one size smaller."

6. The less I eat, the faster I'll lose.
Wrong. "The less we eat, the slower our metabolism gets, and the slower we lose the weight," says Mandel. "Deprivation also makes us unhappy and actually causes us to overeat and overindulge." A slow and steady approach—including treating yourself to your favorite foods, in moderation—is your best bet for building a healthy relationship with food and reaching your long-term goals.

So stop telling yourself lies that sabotage your efforts. Instead, start living your life with a weight-loss plan that works for you. You'll feel better about yourself, your confidence will grow, and you'll keep the weight off.

New measurements as of today:

bust: 39"
ribcage: 32.5"
waist: 31.5"
hips: 42.5"

And here were my measurements in June:

bust: 41"
ribcage: 34"
waist: 34.75" (from 38")
hips: 45.5" (from 47")

It was a very bad week. I weighed myself on Wednesday to find I had climbed back to 173-174 (I don't remember the exact weight) and was determined to bring it back down, which I did but not back to last week. I'm determined to see that 169 again!

But that aside, one of the really exciting things is that someone actually mentioned that I was looking better. I know that weight is a very touchy subject but I have to say, I am fully aware I'm overweight and I appreciate the comment that I look thinner and healthier. I want to hear it! I won't hate anyone who says so. But the girl was hesitant to say anything, which is okay, it's not something that is comfortable to come up to someone and say.

So hey, not only am I lighter, I'm looking thinner. Awesome!

So in about a month (since it's been that long since I posted...that's sort of surprising) I've lost about 4 pounds. That's a good goal, I might like to continue to stick to that. It's slow but it seems pretty steady.

Thanksgiving was a toss or so I thought. I ate out almost every night. Monday was all-you-care-to-eat pizza with friends. I was stuffed after the apple beer and two slices of pizza. Then Tuesday was sushi with a different group of friends. They had all-you-care-to-eat but I decided to play it a lot more smart and had one roll and a large glass of water, no ice. I hate ice in my water. And Wednesday I went on a last-minute run with some friends to Borders and since the Happy Sumo was right there...well...

So it was a surprise to find that before I left, I was 174.6 and when I came back, was 169! Where did it go? Oh well, it's okay, I don't want it back!

To celebrate, I bought myself a Gold Dragon Keychain though I will employ it as a zipper gem since I already have keychains a'plenty. :)

And I keep pluggin' along.

I'm down 18 pounds now, which is really exciting. The only problem is that it's Halloween tomorrow. Mom's already bought far more chocolate than we've ever had children come to our door, ever. And my sweet and awesome Visiting Teachers gave me candy and then my VT companion gave me candy and I think I gave myself a stomach ache from just a little too much (though a lot less than I remember getting sick to, I think I've become a bit sensitive to sweets).

Speaking of sensitivity, my appetite is changing. The other night, I was craving grapes like you wouldn't believe. I was surrounded by Halloween candy and all I wanted were grapes. The carrot that I had from the veggie tray (relax, they were going to throw it out anyways) was also very satisfying and had I been presented with a choice between carrots or chocolate, I would have strangely been drawn to the carrots. Mmmm, carrots.

Not that I'll shun a box of Junior Mints if presented to me, yum!

You know, at first it was really exciting. Then it got to be kind of fun. And now it's just annoying.

My underwear is too big.

I woke up this morning, dreading what I might find at my Weight Watchers meeting. Would I have gained drastically? Would I have made up all that weight I've lost? I checked the scale. 175.6 Hmm, well, that's not exactly a marked weight loss.

So, I went to my meeting. I was actually a little late or perhaps right on time, I'm not sure. But I checked in and congrats to me, I have lost weight! Yaaay!

Ugh, but I'm sleepy now. I'm going to listen to the storm and sleep.

There's a new show out called The Truth About Food. I just watched the Younger and Prettier (or something like that) episode. One of the experiments was the Detox. I have a friend who does that, she detoxes a lot. Juices, Waters, Fasting.

So for a week, they had the control group who ate chocolate, pasta, tea, etc. And then there was the Detox group who had blender juices (mmm, garlic and onion with other stuff for breakfast, delish) for a week, though they graduated into salads and white fish after a bit. Once the week was over, they compared urine and saliva samples from the start with urine and saliva samples at the end and the result?

NO. FREAKING. DIFFERENCE. None. The reason? The liver and kidney usually process most stuff within 24-48 hours. A day long fast may make a difference but the body is terribly efficient when it comes to toxins (unless your organs don't work, of course) and detoxing does nothing.

Another surprising experiment was the Water Is Good For Skin one. They took a set of twins and had one drink up to 2 liters a day and the other drink no straight water, just juices, coffee, and tea. They started off at a skin specialist and ended with one. Their skins were analyzed for moisture content, clarity, etc. And the result?

NO. FREAKING. DIFFERENCE. None. The reason was that up to a third of the water you get comes from your food. However, water IS a good appetite suppressant and many times, your body will ask for food when you are thirsty because you get so much moisture from what you eat. So my personal opinion? Drink your water anyways. It won't give you Photoshop perfect skin but it will help your body function better. After all, I drink 2 liters and 2 cups daily and it does a wonder for my kidney.

I love this show, I'm going to keep watching it. :D

Of course, before I went in, I weighed myself and was 176.6. Still, I had gained somewhat. But after walking around all day at the Ren Fest and being really careful, I weighed myself this morning and was delighted to find that I've gone down to...

175.2!

175 is my goal for this week and I am so very very close! Now if I don't screw it up, everything will be sunshine and roses and I will buy a bag of M&Ms (don't worry, I'll be very careful with them, but I can't continue to deny myself chocolate, it's cruel).

So, my advice this week is to not knock leisurely walking, three hours of it can add up to 14 points and a pound of weight loss! :D And anyone could spend three hours at the mall if they must (though the Ren Fest is better, it has hills, oh heavens does it have hills).

I was reading an entry in October's Real Simple about praise. And I realized, I've not praised myself for my work. I've lost FIFTEEN POUNDS. That's AMAZING! That's been hard. That's been a lot of anime on the treadmill, a lot of chocolate I didn't eat, a lot of blisters that have come and gone.

And all I can think of is the next pound? When do I stop for a moment in this trek and look around, take a deep breath and go "Wow. This is an amazing place. I'm doing good"? No, I need a pause, a smile, a pat on my back and realize "Good girl, Kit. Good job".

I didn't get to my WW meeting yesterday because I was at the Renaissance Festival! And let me tell you, when you're walking all day, you really burn up those pounds. I checked my weight that morning and I was something like 177.6, having only lost 0.4 pounds. But all that walking lost me another 1.2. Now, I didn't EAT very well, but I figured I'm having a good time, I'll forego Point Watching that day.

Not that it mattered since I still lost, yay! So, the total weight I've lost since going to the WW meetins is 4 pounds! And the ticker above tells you how much since January.

Blows your mind, doesn't it?

Well, I finally did it, I hit my mental weight marker. I don't know what it is about 178 but that is some sort of mental mile marker. I have been wanting to hit 178 since I started and now I'm here. It's so exciting!

Now that my treadmill is temporarily on the fritz AND it has started cooling off outside, it's time to reconsider how to get my exercise in. This Website should be just the thing. Now, do I go by miles or do I go by time? I'd been averaging 2.25 miles for 45 minutes. I may have to go by distance and just try to make myself go faster. Hmm.

Anyways, I think it's time to celebrate!

I thought that I'd make Friday my Last Chance Before Weigh-In day. I ate well, I did my strength exercises and I decided that to really cinch it, I would take a walk on the treadmill.

So I turned on House M.D. with subtitles and volume off, turned on my iPod and started off at the usual 3.0 mph setting. But about five minutes in I thought, y'know, I really ought to kick it up a notch. And so I boldly increased speed by 0.2. 3.2 mph and I was flying. But then something odd began to happen. First there was a rubbing noise. I thought I just wasn't picking up my feet enough so I worked on that but it didn't help. "Something's caught underneath" I thought to myself and figured I'd look into it when I was done walking.

Then the speed started subtly fluctuating. It was a little like walking on ice, actually. Or wet pavement. Or gravel. "Huh, that's not supposed to happen" but I figured it was just getting old.

And then it happened. With a loud CLUNK!, the tension went out on the band, I might as well had been walking on a cotton blanket laid on a marble hall. "CRAP!" I jumped right off the thing as House continued to consider the implications of a woman with an allergy that was kicking her right in the uterus (you've seen that one, right? With the nun?) and came to my own conclusions.

I broke the stinkin' treadmill. Well, if that ain't just a blow to the ego. Dad thinks he can fix it but we'll see.

In the meantime, I got 35 minutes in at least. Never did get to see House fix the nun but I've seen it before.

After a bad-for-you trip to Utah, I had gained about 1.4 pounds but by my Weight Watchers Meeting, I was back to where I was before I left. The lady behind the counter seems to have some small miscalculation skills, she didn't see that I hadn't actually lost from before and said that I lost a pound. I took a look at my booklet and noticed that this was untrue. But I am not going to argue with someone who believes I've lost a little weight.

It's gotten a little cooler since I've come back. It's between 70 and 80 degrees out here, quite a change from the 100s, it'll be nice to start walking outside now. Mmm.

Here's to another week of losing weight@

Well, I'm back from a very hectic, very uncontrolled-eating type week in Utah. I didn't walk, I didn't write down my intake, and I ate out almost every single night. And I came home dreading that scale. I'm no fan of it anyways, but it's always hard when you get back from a trip and realize that you've been very bad and that you'll have to get right back up on that horse. Nnng, not a happy thought.

But this morning, my inbox had a WW article on recovering from vacations. And one of the bits of advice was to: "Go straight back to weighing in, say our Community Users – even go to a meeting earlier in the week than normal to get right back in the groove." Good advice, I took it.

I gained a little over a pound, I suppose. But that's not bad, honestly. It's not the 185 I was dreading to see looking back at me. Phew! I can be quite the pessimist, I guess. But I should mention that though I visited McDonalds more in one week than I had in probably three years (I hate McD's but at least they have those snack wraps and I would get the grilled honey-mustard and one was enough to satisfy the hunger a bit, and their fruit & walnut salad was fine as another meal), I had an amazing time with my friends and my family and being with them was much more important than fussing constantly over what I was eating.

So hey, I'm back and I'm up on the horse again!

Jen brought up an awesome link to an article (I should install Haloscan on this blog too since I can't email anyone back when they comment) about how there can be just as many calories, if not more, in fast food salads.

The thing is, where are those calories coming from? Let's take my favorite, the Mandarin Chicken Salad from Wendy's. Mmm, juicy mandarins, tender chicken, and a decent amount of dark greens (I could use some tomatoes, too, but whatever). So, increased sugar, sure, in the mandarins. But c'mon, that's barely half a point there. Chicken? I get the grilled or non-crispy version. Lots of healthy protein and it *seems* lean enough, haven't been inundated with grease or fat in a single one. But the calories? They're in the side packets. Every salad comes with a packet of "Crispy Noodles" and "Almonds" (generally very salty ones too) and a tremendous dose of their Asian Dressing. Ugh! That's how they get to be just as bad as a 1/4 pounder with fries and a coke. I leave off the noodles and the almonds and use only half the salad dressing and it's only, I think, 5-6 points that way.

However, considering the options along the way, perhaps I'm better off just making a loaf of bread before we leave and bringing it, along with some lovely deli meat and a little mustard and lots of fruit. That's better eats there.

Well, they did say that you have to eat your exercise points, too, which I did. But I think I went a little nuts with the food last Saturday and Sunday and that didn't help things much. ;) Still, a pound is a victory!

Week after next, things may be a little harder since I'll be in Utah. I'll try to exercise but the whole schedule is hectic since I'll be juggling family, friends, and clinicals preparation. And family and friends always tends to equal food and those long car trips always play havoc with my consumption. Maybe I'll have to plan on healthy alternatives. Like Wendy's salads, McDonald's fruit & walnut salad (mmm) and so on.

Anyone have some good ideas for traveling, things that might help? It'll be an 18 hour car trip, I'll take what help I can get! :D

Dear Weight Watchers,

I've kept up with my points and I've exercised for 22 points. I've given myself a nasty blister on the large toe of BOTH FEET. I've walked through about ten episodes of Samurai Champloo and my brand new size 14 pants are baggy in the seat and yet I somehow managed to gain. And I would like to ask you to please consult your scales. Also, how can I go to the meetings for 3 weeks and gain 0.2 pounds while the other lady lost 5.6 pounds? That had better been WATER weight.

Bah. I'm still chuffed that I walked 45 minutes every day. I'm rather surprised that I kept so faithful with my point-recording (even more surprised when I remembered that while making chocochip cookies the other day, I didn't eat the dough, which I usually can't keep my hands away from) and that I lifted weights when they came up on Buff Brides (M,W,F).

I'm celebrating with waffles mom made for my brother and my favorite tea ever.

I'll do my best again this week and I will kick your scales if they lie to me again about how hard I worked, WW. Just see if I don't!

-Kit (who is NOT LAZY so lay off!)

People have a severe stigma to being overweight. As one of those who are deemed 'obese', even 'morbidly obese' (what does that really mean anyways?), I am subject to ridicule, whether the people are aware of it or not. I am frequently afraid to go out in this body of mine because I see the looks of heavy judgment. Overweight people are considered either unwilling or unable to fend for themselves properly. They either "don't know" how to cook healthy foods or are "too lazy" to do so (thank you, Oprah, for further enabling this mindset, you tramp). Both are severely unflattering attitudes towards the overweight.

When I had my second kidney transplant, I was 114 pounds. You see now that it didn't last. I recovered from my illness and without getting into the habit of eating healthy, my weight returned and I became heavier than I have ever been in my life. But it didn't happen overnight. Soon after I recovered from my transplant, I began swimming because it was an easier form of exertion than walking, which I still did nightly (until that vicious dog bit me, then I was a little more hesitant). Fat people do not get that way overnight. It is NOT a conscious decision. Those who do not bear that burden of obesity do not seem to realize this. I did not wake up from the operating table thinking "Glad that's over with, I'm going to go to McDonalds now and order one of everything off the menu with double fries!"

Many overweight people also have very slow metabolisms. I am burdened with that as well, thanks to medication that keep me alive and healthy. My darling sister has a metabolism like a roaring wildfire in the middle of summer whereas mine is like a soggy log.

And then there are the pernicious habits. One of the ones I'm trying to overcome is eating after dinner. I get hungry after 9 or 10, but it's not an appetite sort of hungry, it's a nibbly, snacky sort of hunger. I also have gained the habit while reading and, well, it's been a very read-y sort of week, what with Harry Potter (which I haven't finished yet, so hush) and all and you know, grapes are only so appetizing until my body rebels against whatever it is in fruit that makes it go like a bullet through the system. Ugh.

So, give the overweight a chance. Do not dismiss or judge. They are neither less intelligent, nor less ambitious than anyone else. They *are* resentful, however. They deal with a lot of abuse. I've had to endure talks from people who think that they know my circumstances intimately. I've heard insults from doctors and friends. I tolerate it because I realize that they *don't* know, but it doesn't hurt any less.

I've broke (however weakly) through the 180 mark! And the nice thing is that I've started going to the Weight Watchers Meetings. The big thing I learned this morning was:

You have to eat all of your points to lose weight. The teacher (Elysabeth? Elyzabeth? She had an interesting spelling to her name that my brain didn't catch) said that some people would approach the scale and say something about eating fewer points than allotted and would be surprised that they either gained or stayed the same. You need to eat to satisfy your body or it slips quite easily into starvation-survival mode. How interesting! Dad also mentioned something (he's a Zone Diet nut) about how you need to feed your body to provide proper energy for metabolism. Definitely something to think about.

The weight I got at the Meeting was 180.4 or something like that but that was with work-out clothes (t-shirt, yoga pants, socks & bra) atop my underwear (I take my weight in the bathroom in nothing but my underwear since that seems more accurate). Still, not a bad weight.

My 10% goal is 162. I wondered how they reached that until I realized that it's 10% of your current body weight, not 10% of the weight you intend to lose.

The goal for exercise is to do up to 28 points a week. 28/7 = 4. If I walk on that treadmill twice a day, if I treadmill and weight-lift, if I treadmill and walk the dog twice...each scenario is 4 points. That isn't hard to do at all! It's being consistent that is the trick. I need to work on that.

So, this week, I'm going to work up to 28 points of exercise.

I will also eat all 24 of my points, which requires a lot more faithful point-watching. But that's possible, too.

It's all possible.

Things I've noticed:

My arms are getting toned to the point that my Dad noticed. Dad wouldn't notice if I pulled a Tonks and dyed my hair a violent pink but last night he looked down (at my left arm, it's not the bumpier one) and said "Oh wow, you're really getting buff!".

My stomach is getting flatter, too. The rolls are disappearing.

Yeah, I'm starting to feel pretty good about this. I'm sleeping better, too.

Yay!

As of last Monday, I have gained 0.8 pounds. It's not so terrible but if I want to be of a healthy weight and size by the time I'm 30, I need to do better than that.

And I have been. I walked on the treadmill Monday and today. The worst of my menses was yesterday so I took it easy. When there's little blood flowing, you don't want to overtax yourself.

This whole weight loss has really emphasized the fact that this is NOT about how I look. Being 'thin' is a bonus but this is about Recovery. I feel like I am actually getting over being very ill. And I know what it's like to be very ill. I am feeling better, I'm sure my kidney thanks me for all of this and I have more energy. My latest menses has not knocked me over like it normally does. Walking 3 mph on my treadmill is getting to be too slow for me. I've been really focusing on eating carefully. I feel a lot more sharp for doing this, a little less sleepy and a little more aware.

You know, I saw the video of the girl who was obese talking about how she was going to take a stand, she would not lose weight, ever, because she resented all those thin skeletons walking around and I am sad for her. Losing weight to 'look good' is awful, but gaining or remaining obese to 'show them' is just as bad. We are not designed to be over or underweight. Too underweight and our bones become brittle, they need the resistance that comes with healthy weight on them. Too overweight and we really tax our internal organs. There has to be a middle ground! For someone as small as I am but for my weight, I am doing no favors for my liver, my heart, my kidney. Instead, I am violating my warranty.

Life is beautiful. There are wonderful people out there to meet, amazing things I still want to see. And now I'm giving myself the chance to experience this.

181.4

This restricted-snacking thing is going VERY well. I haven't yet put up a list of things that I should avoid but most of them start with the letter C. Can you guess?

Cookies
Cakes
Chocolate and
Chips.

And yes, I've been mostly managing to stay away from it. Er, mostly. Sometimes I sneak a chip or suck on an M&M but I'm not all out hauling the M&M jar* to my desk and snarfing 'em down. However, if I do get a craving for something sweet, I help myself to a Weight Watchers Giant Cookies'n'Cream Ice Cream Bar (it's the 6th one down, I haven't tried the chocolate cookies'n'cream bar, chocolate ice cream always tastes really off to me). Man, it's REALLY good and it's high in fiber and about 140 calories or so. I walk that off in half an hour on the ol' treadmill. Yummy.

I've also returned to the basement to watch Trigun and walk for half an hour. I'm not sure what it is, there's just something about walking on a treadmill that really provides a workout. It's just nothing like walking outside at all.

And finally, I really recommend checking out the Hungry Girl website, which provides really good trade-out recipes, the latest in good-for-you snacks and tends to be a good resource. And it's kind of cute.

Now I got to walk the dog.

Also, did I mention my arms are getting quite toned? I'm very chuffed about seeing muscles in the mirror.

*It's a little clay jar marked 'Happiness' on the outside which works for M&Ms but if they add to my weight gain, I can't say that they really provide much in the way of Happiness at all.

183 as of this morning.

Happy Birthday, Kit, have a pound! Yey. So, here's what I think I'll change this week. I'm going to ignore all the garbage my parents bought at Aldi (actually, it's my dad who throws in the four bags of chips and three boxes of snack cakes. Mom should learn better than to go grocery shopping with him) and concentrate especially on healthy snacks. This isn't easy because there is little in the way of fruits and veggies around here. I may have to make a trip to Walmart later in my car that has no air-conditioning. Hey, free sauna, that helps you lose weight, right?

Er, anyways. I'm going to make a list of food in the sidebar of things I am restricting since I feel I need to focus on my control in eating those. And I should make another list while I'm at it of stuff I can and SHOULD eat, that I like. :d

Here's hoping things go better this week, I've already walked 30 minutes and I'm still going to work on my strengthening exercises!

Also:
New Goal!

I want to be 120 pounds lighter by the time I turn 30! So, updated the ticker and here's hoping I make it!

Still plateau'd at 182 but here are my new measurements:

Bra: 38C. (ribcage = 34", boobies = 41", down from 43") (This is a good blog post about proper bra measurements since I don't really trust stores to do it right.)
Waist: 34.75" (from 38")
Hips: 45.5" (from 47")

And my arms, woo! I'm seeing a lot of tone, thanks to the Weight Watcher's Buff Brides. Once the 12 weeks are over, I'm starting over. It's been so helpful and I really want to do it again. :)

And Blogger isn't sending me comments so I'm starting to notice just now that I've got a small cheering section. Thank you all so much, I really appreciate the positive responses!

I think I might be done editing this post now, I've gone in three or four times, my apologies.

182

That's my new weight, isn't it exciting? That's 9 pounds lost now. I've also noticed that my ring, even when my finger is kind of sticky with the humidity, tends to slide around a little.

I thought, perhaps, that I hadn't lost at all because though it's still kind of easy to put on pants, it's not like I'm slipping right into them when they're fresh from the laundry. But I guess that could also be because I'm a little bloated.

But I was completely and utterly faithful to Weight Watchers. And that, I believe, is what did it.

I'm halfway through the Buff Brides routine. Week 6 is this week. I can't see any difference in my arms but I suppose if I want that, I should really wake up at 6am and go swimming again.

Which is not such a bad idea.

I overate. By 10.5 points, I overate.

Thank goodness for the bonus points but to me, that's not enough. I think that tomorrow, I will aim to eat only 19 out of 24 points and do it again on Sunday.

I can do 19. I've done 18 for a whole week.

I've been doing so well. I will reward myself tomorrow by going to the S'n'B that I've never been to ever before tomorrow at 3:30. It's at a cafe so I think I'll try their tea. But no more hot cocoas. That's ridiculous.

Well, as of last week Wednesday, I was 187. Today I'm 183.6. Not through stringent attempts to starve myself into misery but...well, I'm not sure what worked. Perhaps it was the walking or the one morning of Buff Brides workout. But whatever it was, I hope it KEEPS WORKING!!!

I haven't exercised yet this morning but I do have some exercise bands so I can work on my chesticular region.

I'm a little sleepy-eyed and slow-starting this morning. My lap-area is sore from last Wednesday but that should get better. After all, I could hold a squat for over 30 seconds in Tae Kwon Do, why not work up to that again? I could also kick someone's head at my 5'2" level but only if they were my height. Still!

I miss TKD.

I'm not so sure I want to weigh myself yet. I still haven't had a menses (TMI I know, but that's the facts of life for a woman, you can't close your eyes and pretend that such things don't happen. EVERYBODY POOPS.) and I feel like I'm somewhat bloated, perhaps. Getting into a fresh pair of jeans was just not as easy as it was once before. But I still don't have quadra-boob which I'm grateful for.

I was browsing the Weight Watchers website and realized that the Buff Brides section has workouts and everything. I realize I'm much closer to being 'buff' than being a bride but why not start as early as possible, eh?

The workouts are low-impact with decent enough stretches for beginners. I'm not a fan of lunges, squats, and such because my upper legs have been neglected for so long. The upper body workouts though aren't bad at all but I have pretty decent upper body strength.

Oh! I decided for certain what I want after my first hurdle, the 10 pound mark. Want to know what it is?

Zhena's Gypsy Tea in Red Lavender. I got a tin once before from a friend and it was definitely the best tea I have ever had. It's herbal rooibos with lavender and it tastes a little ginger-ish and it's definitely a perky tea. I just don't know if I want to get 100 tea bags or get the 1 lb loose tea. Ah, decisions.

Speaking of teas, I had won the Happily Handmade Giveaway and my favorite thing in there was a large packet of loose Choco Lotta Vanilla Tisane from SBS teas. It's as sweet as it sounds and it takes the edge off my voracious sweets monster that I get after dinner.

Well, I'm going to drag some weights up from the basement along with my yoga mat so I'm better prepared to work out on Friday. Thursday is considered a "rest" day but since I skipped my walk yesterday, I'll walk on Thursday.

And Saturday I walk for babies, yay!

I'm baffled. I'm frustrated. And I'm honestly a bit depressed. I'm 187 today despite having about 18 points to eat out of 24. I'm now wondering if it's something else, like my terribly delayed Auntie Flo, maybe I'm retaining water, maybe it's related to the GI upset I had yesterday. I'm not sure but I'm done weighing myself daily. It's upsetting.

Ah well, I'm going to be very careful today.

Still 186.4, though the scale wavered a little. I'm caught up in frustration as I consider all I did yesterday. My list of food was small:
Breakfast
oatmeal made with half a cup of milk.

Lunch
1 slice of homemade bread with 3 thin slices of salami
1 apple

Afternoon snack
Half a serving of M&Ms
One 100 calorie pack of Ritz crackers

Dinner
1 slice of bread with 1/4 cup of egg salad (mom had made chicken enchiladas but the cilantro in it was so overwhelming I just couldn't eat it)
1 large Fuji apple

I think I'm going to aim to avoid the M&Ms today. I'm also not going to walk because I'm feeling crampy. I may not walk with Daisy as well today since she hurt her paw and won't want to go far if she's limping like a hunchback.

Currently 186.4, thinking most of that is water because I was 1 point short of the daily recommended 24. That or they're too generous with their points. I will try to shoot for 18 points today (6 per meal or so). Mom's making a Pepper soup from her diabetic cookbook and it sounds very low in points.

I also discovered that cilantro is very unpleasant and unwisely chose an orange Cadbury cream egg to get the taste out of my mouth. Each egg is 4 points. Ugh.

I was feeling good about only gaining a little over a pound until I looked at my curve chart. I've been hovering badly, not losing much at all. It's disappointing and I only have myself to blame.

I am determined however. My goal is 184 by next Monday. I've already walked on the treadmill this morning and I've eaten a healthy bowl of oatmeal, I will lose this weight! Yah!

I also plan on weighing myself daily. I have to shove myself into obsessive mode if I am going to lose any of this weight. At least to get me started. If I can lose about 0.3 pounds a day, I'll make it so here's to being a little obsessive, huzzah!

And I'm putting these Ferrero Rocher in the freezer and I'll treat myself to one if I make it to 184 on Monday.

I should mention some other observations of weight loss other than what just the scale tells me.

1. Monday, I put on a pair of freshly washed jeans. There was still a tightness but there was no sincere struggle and no discomfort sitting in them. I didn't have to unbutton them just to feel like I could breathe and that was extremely exciting.

2. I have lost the double breast. Y'know that flabby area that isn't contained by the bra, particularly if the bra is too small? Yeah, I have two boobs again, not four.

3. I'm debating on either buying a copy of Merlin on DVD or a copy of Twelfth Night on DVD when I hit 181. Hmm, decisions, decisions. Either way, mom says she will spring for a new outfit for me when I lose the weight and that'll be awesome, a nice summer dress for church, some new shirts, perhaps. That would be exciting.

tomorrow I weigh in again!

Down another pound. I've decided I'm going to try to crack the habit of not logging my intake in 21 days, the scientifically determined amount of time that it takes to make a new habit. I wonder if it actually works and if I shouldn't try to do that in other areas of my life like with scripture reading, getting up early, etc. But, y'know, one step at a time.

So, if I keep going down about 3 pounds a week--which is what I seem to be able to manage--I'll lose about 54 pounds by the time Don is home. 185-54 = 131 pounds. That'd be awesome, I wonder if I could do it. Y'know what? Black belt attitude. I will do it!

But no sense in being greedy, I am happy with any weight loss I have. It's a step closer to being healthy, being more energetic, being more lovely (not that I'm not lovely now, just a lot more lumpy than I'd like to be).

Here's to keeping it up!

When I got back from Utah, I was 188.4. I'm now 186.2 thanks to a lot of sweetened tea and possibly a bout of diarrhea stemming from salt water taffy and Good'n'Plentys. I am pretty sick of them, too. But at least I've lost weight.

I have been pondering the state of hunger. My body is better at knowing when it needs to eat than my head. I look at the clock and think "Well, it's noon, maybe it's lunch time" and I'm not hungry at all. So instead, I feel like I should actually wait until I'm hungry to eat. And not so hungry that I start to hiccup and feel faint but hungry enough that I'll have appetite for a meal. I think that would really help.

As I remarked in someone else's LiveJournal, I find obesity to be somewhat like an illness. People may believe that they are happy the way they are, but I wonder if they lost some weight, felt their clothes grow loose, found that their skin looks brighter, realized that they have more energy if they would realize that they are perhaps in need of being healthier.

I haven't felt the effects yet of the weight loss but my pants fresh from the wash are not so hard to pull on anymore. That's a step, isn't it?

I want to be healthier. I want to push on longer and harder. I want energy. I want to look good. I don't have to turn anyone's head but my own but that'd be worth it. I'm a beautiful woman. I believe that. And I believe I deserve to be thinner and healthier.

187. I'm up a pound and a half from where I was on Monday. I have several reasons for this:

1. I haven't logged into WW since Sunday.
2. I got into a bag of Robin Eggs.
3. Someone brought dinner last night and I had 1.5 brownies and 2 dinner rolls on top of the pot roast, vegetables, and salad.

So while I'm off galavanting in Utah, I'm going to do the following:

1. Record in Weight Watchers as frequently as possible.
2. Bring only fruit and vegetables for the drive there and back.
3. Eat half portions of desserts/treats.

I won't have access to a scale until Monday the 26th so here's hoping it's not 189 again when I get back on it!

I've lost another pound since Thursday. Let me just note that Jimmy Johns is not really that great for you and it's REALLY not great on the second day. Soggy bread and soggy lettuce, bleah.

I'm now just a pound under what I was when I moved back home. When I left Utah, my diet was not so spectacular. I ate mostly what I made for myself and that wasn't at all gourmet. Frozen chicken and frozen vegetables (particularly squash, mmm, so good). Lots of bagels, I couldn't get enough bagels. Cream cheese. I would always splurge on those large bags of apples (Fuji!) and I would try to make myself eat one a day. When you're not really caring so much about yourself, you don't make sure to eat your proper amount of good food, you know? I ate out a bit, when I felt I could afford it.

Now that I'm home, I'd been eating what mom would cook. Her chemo is preventing her from cooking too much anymore and so it's back to the frozen chicken and vegetables for dinner but at least we have a bread-making machine which keeps me stocked up in mostly wheat bread (half whole wheat and half AP flour) and that is reasonable for lunch. Breakfast is and always was oatmeal. I love flavored oatmeal.

I'd been getting into the sweets a little after Thursday. Mom brought home a box of chocolate macadamia nuts (how do you spell that dang word?) and since chocolate tastes foul to her, I adopted them and have since eaten the whole thing, even if I was more attracted to its texture than its flavor (something WAS off about that chocolate, probably some odd dark chocolate flavor). But this week, I do intend on losing a bit more.

It's March 12. I should have lost 20 pounds by now. I should be 171 pounds by now. I'm not. But I've made up my mind, I will not play the would've-could've-should've game. I want to learn to love my body, to accept it as it is, to repent of my bad habits and to treat it with care and love instead of abuse and loathing.

It's been a long road and it's just barely started but I've lost 6 pounds and I'm happy with that.

As of Thursday, March 8, 2007.

What has been helping:
1. Assigning 6 points to a meal, giving me 18 points.

2. Not snacking, so those remaining 6 points are ignored.

3. Taking Daisy out for a small stroll every day for about 35 minutes.

I'm starting over. Here's me as I am today.

191.4 pounds.
43, 38, 47.

I look so old! And tired. I felt fine while taking the pictures but I have to admit, I shun the camera on a general basis. And clearly, this is why.

My goal is to lose 50 pounds by June 23. In other words, my birthday. That will be 2 pounds a week. I will be religious with using Weight Watchers and I will be rewarding myself with something new to watch while I treadmill for every 10 pounds I shed.

I will also be taking these pictures every first of the month. I can do this. I will do this. I don't want to be embarassed or old anymore.